The air is dry with an overcast sky hanging heavy over my sun-worn hat. I’m sat on my front porch, it’s 3:08 pm and I’m unable to shake the feeling that I’m working hard enough—that I’m enough. I know this is a common topic here in this community, but it’s only made that way because of insistence on being part my day to day.
And anything that is such I find it hard not to talk about.
Realizing that no matter what I come here wanting to talk about, the feelings at the surface of this moment, of whatever moment I’m in, demand all of my attention. And though sometimes this drives me crazy (ok, most of the time), I’m also incredibly grateful.
Because though I could write this ahead of time, scheduling and forgetting about it, there’s something about holding myself accountable to showing up here no matter how I’m feeling, relating to this month and the theme of this month with every surfacing emotion and nagging feeling right there with me.
Comfortable? Definitely not. Incredibly fulfilling in the long run? Absolutely. Efficient? Hmm, not sure but that one is kind of irrelevant. Rather, that one only matters if I give it room to matter.
So here we are, it’s the 2nd of July and I haven’t a clue what to do next. I haven’t a clue how to move through certain emotions, stories, and pesky habits that keep popping up as I go about my day. I haven’t a clue and I’m terrified that I’m going to do it all wrong. I’m terrified that the things I am actively trying to make room for are going to find a way to weasel their way out, most likely by way of falling back into what’s comfortable. Into what I know. Into the stories that I’ve been telling myself for years.
I’m terrified but I also have to remind myself that I am showing up and that I am trying, and that right there is more than enough, and anything else is most likely outside of my control. Realizing that there will always be areas for improvement. That I will always have things about myself that I want to work on. That I want to better, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not enough right now.
Enough. Repeat it as many times as you need until it sinks in, even if only for a few seconds.
I am enough.
Ironically, or maybe very much on purpose, this month isn’t filled with a lot of travel, which means our theme, “adventure,” is going to have to take on a new meaning. Is going to have to adjust it’s tidy little definition and meet me where I’m at.
Adventure is whatever you need it to be right now.
And right now looks like warm sun on my back as raindrops hit my computer and my mind wanders to other unfinished tasks and to do’s—seems like the universe can’t make up it’s mind either! Which is fine by be because that usually means there should be a rainbow popping up here soon.
Quick note on these tasks and to do’s: I have a tendency to stretch myself thin to the point of never leaving enough room to have the things I truly love to fill me up (usually it’s a partial fill), so this month I’m making a point of showing up to this work (in this case I’m talking about specific writing projects, of which I’m not quite ready to share), so if you’d like to join me in this mini adventure of finding more time for such things. For the things you love, then I invite you to join!
That can mean anywhere from 3o seconds to an hour—you decide depending on what either feels right or is available to you right now.
Talk soon & happy July (how is it possible that we’re already half way through 2019?!)
All my love,
The breeze unexpectedly
wraps its fingers around the cuff of my sleeve,
dip of my collar,
and hem of my pants.
It’s cold, demanding presence
inviting me to take refuge
beneath the eve of this summer house.
And just beyond, the ocean rests—
in all of its hazy
and half-seen glory.