You’re always a bit funny. A bit broken. A bit all over the place. I don’t mean this in a bad way, just a “I’ve lost my key’s again,” kind of way. I think it might be the expectations of it all. Of a fresh start and a new place to move from, but you don’t stay this way the whole month, at least not after I’ve taken a step back.
After I’ve created a space where I can listen to my voice rather than that of others. Rather, sharing from a space where the motivation comes from within, rather than the expectations set by others.
What is it that you wish do you? How is it that you wish to feel?
The evergreen sits flat against the grey sky and my tea close to my notebook. It’s Winter, says the cold that presses up again the outside of the window, no doubt finding a way through. It’s Winter, says the day that holds onto the darkness of the early morning. It’s Winter, says the stack of books beneath a burned-through candle.
It’s Winter, says the pace at which my emotions seem to be surfacing.
Sylvia Plath sits by my side, as does Mary Oliver and Lang Leav, my trusted sidekicks during these colder months. No mater the turmoil that might be felt as our days our cut short and layers put on by the pound, only just keeping us warm, I can’t help but crave it, as when it rolls around every year (funny how that goes) my body yearns to settle inward.
To take the attention that I’ve been focusing elsewhere. On the gaining and the growing and the achieving, and reminding it that it’s already all here. That it’s already enough. That if I am to keep creating, which I no doubt will, I must do it from a place of trust.
Of loving myself fully so that I can continue to show up to this world how I wish, otherwise, what does any of it mean, anyway? Something, I’m sure, but not if we’re hoping to lead a life that fills us up the most.
That keeps us on our toes and dreaming big. That not only nurtures big ideas, but encourages us to take action. To make them a reality.
But then that’s what this time of year is all about, setting goals and reaching them, but why not scale back. Why not make the steps smaller and less linear. Why not break the rules and walk beneath the moon-lit sky and bare branches.
Why not take more steps between the goals so that our backs aren’t broken by the time we get there? We deserve to have every one come to fruition but we also deserve to have enough energy to move through the obstacles, as they will no doubt show up now and again to remind us that slowing down has it’s benefits too.
That Winter can be our permission to do just that. To create from a place of trust and to believe that no matter the time of year, we are the only ones who get to decide how we’re going to get from A to B while, all while enjoying the places in between. Or something like that, anyway. After all, it’s Winter and coziness can be a cause for distraction.