My head is foggy and cloudy.
I'm having trouble remembering simple things. I'm scared, I'm frightened. These moments pull at my will to be strong. They test my limits. They try to pull me down. Why do I have to feel this way? My head feels like it weighs a tonne. The pressure is so bad I feel like a freight train is running through my brain. I picture a raincloud hanging over me, the rain pouring down. There is no sunshine for miles. I feel like I'm suffocating. Like being under water and struggling to swim to the surface. I want to see the light so badly.
These feelings are so intense.
They're deep, they're dark and they are all my own. I want so badly to scream for help. To shout out loud, "I can't keep doing this on my own!" There has to be someone out there who understands. Who gets it. My life is blurred. A constant haze of manoeuvring and detouring. A constant fight to pull through. To not let my true emotions show. For I may look weak. Although somedays I am weak. Too weak, that I can't fathom feeling this way even once more. I have fought a hard battle, I'm exhausted. I'm spent. I've had enough. I pretend that it's normal to feel this way.
The nightmares are terrifying. They wake me up suddenly in the night as if a shockwave is coursing through my body. I desperately want to sleep. I want to drift off into dreamland where I can truly feel at peace.
Take a break from the harsh reality, the harsh reality of my body and mind.
Tomorrow I will wake up and I will live another day. This day will be different. The sun will shine through the clouds. I will feel more like myself. It will be a fresh start, a new promise that good things are coming my way. This change of perspective brightens my outlook. I feel excited, hopeful and refreshed.
I don't understand why things have to get so hard before they get better. I guess I'm still learning on this crazy road of life. Maybe one day things will make more sense. I want to keep going so I can find out.
Written By: Jackie Lohman.
When I received an email from Jackie, with a piece had written while going through an incredibly rough day of treatment. Before I even finished reading the first sentence I felt overwhelmed with joy. Not the kind of joy that makes you want to jump up and down (no, that sounds completely exhausting), the kind of joy that lifts you up and makes you believe that anything is possible!
The kind of joy that can only come when feeling inspired. So thank you, Jackie. Thank you for bringing me, and so many others that kind of joy; Your courage does not go unnoticed, so keep journalling and keep sharing, your words reach more people than you'll ever know!
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