I’m sat on my couch, which normally isn’t where I write anymore, but I’ll make an exception today because today is the first day that I’m wearing my coziest morning “jacket.” Also, the windows weren’t as cracked throughout the night to keep the house cool, which might be even more monumental than the morning jacket situation.
Oh how I welcome these shifts.
Not because I’m particularly eager to change or to slow down, as they always have me sitting with my thoughts longer than feels comfortable, but because it reminds me that nothing is permanent. That even the most exhausting and trying of months, weeks, days, do come to a close; I’m sweeping the gathered mess out from under the rug, setting aside what I wish to keep and throwing away the rest.
Sleep is still weighing heavily on my lids, pulling down down despite the cup of coffee balanced on the couch cushion (never a good idea) next to me.
I feel as if this past month as been one of noticing quirks and tendencies of mine. One of patience when I go too far and one of internal celebration when I’ve done what I normally wouldn’t do. Now, to be clear, I’m not saying that changing all of these little things about yourself is the desirable outcome, I’ve just been noticing areas that I feel I could improve. That I feel I could show up more presently. That I feel there is room to act differently. To respond differently. And maybe above all, to be more kind to myself when I do slip up or fall back into a habit that I know doesn’t do me any good.
There will always be aspects of ourselves that we need to “work on,” or rather, bring more to the surface so we can at least take a better look. There will always be those things just as there will always be the seasons that we acknowledge and don’t acknowledge them.
My hope is to learn how to move through these seasons with a better understanding.
An understanding that we can’t expect to change all at once—to notice something about ourselves that we’d like to shift, and just do it without any consequences. That we can’t demand our minds and bodies to fall into a new way of doing simply because we said so.
We have to try and fail and try and fail and try and fail. Or something like that. We must show up again and again even when things get sticky. Even when we’re the most uncomfortable we’ve ever been. Actually, I’m certain that’s when we’re doing the kind of work that lasts.
And just as we learn from those around us, we have the privilege to learn from ourselves. To purposefully step into situations that challenge us. That help us adapt and evolve as we’re mean’t to, while also staying open to the world around us.
To the idea that we’ll never reach perfect but we can keep striving for our best selves.
Anyways, my coffee has been finished, I have a million and one more things to say, as well as a day of work to move through, so I’ll be back next week to elaborate more on this (or maybe have the update take a totally different direction, which is a very likely outcome).
Love to you all & talk soon,