On Privilege, Money, Self-Worth, and What to Do When Things Don’t Work Out As Planned: This Real Talk Is Spicy & There’s No Pretending Otherwise
The house is so quiet I swear if someone were to walk in they could hear my thoughts.
I can feel my face still flushed from a run I’m telling myself I should have gone further on.
I’m tempted to pull out my phone and distract myself with the happenings over on social media.
And there is this deep rooted feeling that I should be doing something else right now. Something that is going to either A. Help me to make a living B. Help get me further ahead in planning for the event, or C. Help take away from the growing pile of adult to do’s that I so dread looking at. Oh wait, I nearly forgot about D! Which is, ironically, take care of myself, and maybe detox.
All in all, I’d say that the goal setting, the plan making, the control that I feel I need over the aspects of my life that are more open to change and constant adjustments, have dictated nearly every move and every decision for the past month or so, making even the possibility of something being different or simply ok as is, nearly impossible to wrap my head around.
And when things don’t work?
When I hit wall after wall and have no choice but to redirect, I blame myself for not trying hard enough.
I think, “well, they said this would work therefor it must be something that I’m just not getting.” I think, “be more authentic, try this method, schedule more things out, be more efficient, sell things without being sales-y, believe in what you’re doing at all time and never forget who you are.” I think, “There is no way I’m cut out for this otherwise I would have already succeeded!”
Success, in this instance, being directly tied to what I did or didn’t do.
I think a lot.
Which I’m positive is called overthinking.
So into the depths of my self-criticism I go, tugging at this and that, tightening the loose ends, taking meticulous notes so that I will know better next time. So that this effort will pay off just like everyone said it will if just do this, that, and the other thing that feels very much not like me.
What if, after all this time, this isn’t what I want? Is it wasted time? Think of the time and energy I have spent trying to navigate and figure it all out! Where do I start? At what expense have I used up this privilege of mine? This privilege to explore what it would be like to rely on myself for financial stability, only to fall short at every turn? I don’t mean for this to sound harsh. I don’t mean to throw myself or anyone else under the bus.
I don’t mean to make it about money, but quite truthfully, it is and always will be. There’s just no avoiding it.
I suppose if you found a way to sustain yourself off of the earth somewhere far away from civilization, one could turn a blind eye, but that’s not the point. Not really. You see, I’ve been lucky enough to have the support I need to go through chunks of time where I don’t know what I’m going to do or how I am to make money, and that is, whether we choose to view in this way or not, an extreme privilege.
Having a fallback plan is a privilege.
I know that I will never be without a home, food, or means of transportation.
That is an extreme privilege.
But I forget this sometimes. I get caught up in the messiness of it all. I try to control, and then I feel sorry for myself when I fall short. When I can’t make ends meet. When I give something a go, surprised when it doesn’t work out even though in my gut, I know that it just wasn’t for me.
I don’t believe that money buys happiness, but I do believe that having enough to feel supported, and having enough to release the anxiety around whether or not you’ll be able to pay your medical bills and rent, does help to make more room for happiness. And I don’t have a solution to this, or any conclusion that is going to satisfy this growing need to be more aware…
I do, however, want to acknowledge as I transition out of one way of making money, and make an attempt at another, the fact that I am given room to do this. The fact that I can still make it work, is something to be grateful for. Money isn’t evil. Money isn’t out to get us or eager to ruin our lives.
But as a young white woman with a home, car, dog, and with the ability to travel, explore different options, get outside, pay for medical care (even if out of pocket), all while not worrying about whether or not I’ll be deported or harassed and harmed based on the color of my skin, is something to be grateful for. Is something to be aware of. Is something one should never, under any circumstances, take for granted.
And I know without question that I have time and time again.
Which is why I suppose I’m here wanting to hold myself accountable for my thoughts.
What I’m suppose to want. What my ego says I should want, isn’t where my heart is.
Having More Than Lyme be a primarily free resource for those facing obstacles bigger than they could ever imagine, is important to me, even though I spent the last year trying to fight that.
Telling myself that success can only be found in making money through this, and this alone. That if it’s not working, something must be wrong with me. There must be something I don’t know. There must be something missing, never once stopping to think that maybe I am trying hard enough.
Now that I have stepped back, I am quite certain about something (which is a novelty seeing as most things I’m entirely uncertain about): If something isn’t right, it’s ok to change your mind. It’s ok to take a different direction. It’s ok to go back to square one.
Just as long as you don’t think yourself a failure.
It can take years upon years to figure out what is a good fit and what isn’t, and the only way to truly figure it out, is by recognizing when something is not right. Changing it might take some time, but recognizing is always the first step. Also, don’t tie these changes to your worth. That is something you decide outside the realm of successes and productivity.
Get your worth outta there and into a space where it’s coming straight from your heart and nowhere else.
And before I carry on with this topic until the end of time, here are some of the main takeaways (and remember, these are all personal opinions, so don’t take anything to heart if it doesn’t resonate with you):
YOU DO YOU, FIRST AND FOREMOST.
BE GRATEFUL FOR & ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT YOU HAVE AVAILABLE TO YOU (and then love on it big time).
PRIVILEGE DOESN’T MAKE YOU EVIL, JUST BE SURE YOU’RE AWARE OF THE SHAPE IT IS TAKING & THE SPACE YOU’RE TAKING UP (could more room be made for those who otherwise wouldn’t have their voices heard?)
MONEY DOES NOT BUY HAPPINESS, BUT I DO BELIEVE THAT ENOUGH OF IT CAN HELP TO RELIEVE ANXIETY & DETRIMENTAL STRESSORS IN ORDER TO MAKE ROOM FOR MORE HAPPINESS.
IT’S OK TO CHANGE YOUR MIND & REDIRECT. IT’S OK TO HAVE THINGS NOT WORK OUT THE WAY YOU EXPECTED.
I have no doubt that there will be an emotional hangover from this post, but the timing of it, and having just announced that the membership is no longer something we charge for, it felt like the right time. Actually, not the right time since such a thing doesn’t really exist, but something I wanted to actively make room for.
A conversation I’ve been wanting to have.
now that That’s all wrapped up, I’d love to hear from you…
What do you do when things don’t work out as planned or you change your mind? Do you tend to view yourself as a failure? How do you nurture yourself through it? Also, what are your thoughts on privilege? What shape does it take for you?
All my love,