When Wellness + Self Care Make You Feel Like You Aren’t Enough, Redefining What It Means to Be Badass + Writing a Book
I wasn't planning to come on here and write a post or publish a story until after the More Than Lyme Adventure, but here I am. Funny how that goes. I suppose I was craving something more personal. You know, less detailed planning and more of a non-restrictive creative source.
At the beginning of the month, I told myself I would have three stories published. There haven't been any posts since the end of January.
At the beginning of the month, I told myself I would have started side project A, B, and C. I dabbled in C, but it just wasn't happening.
Expectations. You know, the ones we set for ourselves? "I will reach this when [blank]" happens." Or, "I will start that thing when I've done [blank],[blank], and [blank]." It's exhausting, unfair, and I often find that it sets me even further back, both mentally and physically.
Part of why I think I find myself here, writing this to you on during a time when I really feel like I could be working at all hours of the day, is because of these expectations.
The constant critic in my head telling me that because I'm not those things, I can't do that.
You're not qualified enough.
Do more. Be more. Be better. Live a fuller, richer, more fulfilling life, but make sure you incorporate this, this, and this into your day before doing so. Buy that adaptogen, take that detox bath, use that supplement, try collagen paired with this and it will make all the difference - I swear by it!
It's never enough; it never feels like enough, and though there are many positive attributions to those part of the wellness movement within the world of social media, it is not something that always benefits, or is even accessible, to all.
It can be draining. It can leave you feeling like what you have and what you are, is never enough. That is, not unless you have the time, resources, and energy.
Yes, in many ways, this is simply how the world works; always moving from one thing to the next. It's how we evolve. It's how we change. It's how we adapt, but it shouldn't leave you feeling any less than, and just because you might not have access to all those things that hold all that promise, doesn't mean you can't achieve what you wish to achieve.
Love On Yourself.
And though you may feel like you have a long way to go with your health and where you wish to be in order to do some of those things, it doesn't mean you can't start somewhere. That you can't start now and with the tools that you have.
Because I promise you, there are a great many.
With that all said (some might even call it a rant of sorts), I would like to nod my head to all of you who find yourselves facing those darker more resistant parts. Those parts that have the power to suffocate and drown us in pools of self-doubt and criticism.
Those parts that stop us before we've had a chance to dive in.
To do the thing that we've always wanted to do, with what we have.
So even though I might not have completed A, B, and, C this month, I want to take a moment to celebrate what I have accomplished, as well as a few key components and people that have helped to keep me sane throughout it all.
Though some might seem quite a bit smaller than others, it all counts.
+ Sweet Rose Tulsi Tea before bed and Ginger Turmeric Tulsi Tea during meals. I'm not saying go out and buy these teas now, or else! Just a nudge for you to find those practices that fill you up right then and there.
+ I've officially completed 50 days of meditation and movement
+ Less snacking and more color and richness in the food that I eat
+ Cultivating a morning routine that sets a more peaceful tone to my day. I'm a very anxiety prone person, something I know I've mentioned quite a bit, and this has proven to be a huge shift for me.
+ I'm slowly but surely redefining what being "bad ass" means to me. For so long I looked at "doing all the things" as a sign of fulfillment and happiness in one's life, and for some, maybe so, but I've found that personally, being dedicated to just one thing (be it a cause, your community, side hustle, or dream project), myself, both mentally and physically, as well as the people I love most, is one of the most rebellious and bad ass acts we could partake in.
Really, it's something that you get to decide...
+ I was able to find a counselor that I love. Really, really love. And I can already feel it creating subtle shifts in the way I think and move throughout my day. More gratitude, patience, appreciation, and kindness toward myself, as well as those around me.
+ The first ever More Than Lyme Adventure (event) was put together, all while sporting no voice, which has taken more than a few people by surprise, especially when I say that I'm not being metaphorical (a Chloe trait indeed) and that it was caused by a blood clot in my jugular vein, instead of a cold.
+ And I wrote a book (this extends into the past six months). I really did. It's not perfect, and it's certainly a work in progress (as are most things), but I did it, and saying this feels like a huge feat for me as much of what stops me from saying "I'm a writer," is held in the belief that I'm not qualified enough for that title. That my lack of schooling would reveal the full (false) truth: Leave it to those with a degree and publishing agency. You know, all the people that you look up too. That you aren't.
I'm letting out a big sigh of relief as I step away from this piece and into a (fingers crossed) full nights rest, with a mind that moves a mile a minute, especially now as we have officially hit the one week away mark of MTL's first event.
I feel like I'm feeling every emotion - is that possible?
Also, it should be noted that there are supplements, products, and other such things, that I find extremely useful and consider to be part of my wellness practice. But what I don’t want is to base my self worth off of more, but rather, making use of the tools that I have and lifestyle I live, both chosen and handed to me. Knowing that those things, those additions to my self care practice? They’re simply an added bonus — privilege even, and are not what make me my best self.
We already have everything we need to be and feel that.
Love you all dearly, and to those who are coming to the event - hooray! I cannot wait to meet you. And to those that can't make it, don't worry, you'll be able to join in on the fun.