Posts tagged morethanlyme
Before More Than Lyme: A Brief History Of Then and Now + Why I Wouldn't Have It Any Other Way

It's around 8am and I find myself on the floor with a blanket in my lap, sipping my coffee while watching the snow melt off the trees in the backyard. The keyboard sits right in front of me, watching my every move as my eyes are fixate on anything but the task at hand. 

Now, you may be wondering, why write something if it doesn't bring you immediate joy? Why sit here and "force" yourself to dive into moments that to this day, tie a knot in your stomach and make your heart flutter and skip a beat (in the anxious kind of way). Why oh why would I want to do this to myself when I could be sipping my coffee elsewhere, mind on the bluebird skies and dog that needs walking?

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It Won't Be Easy, But It Will Be Worth It: How To Achieve Your Goals When Fighting Lyme Disease

With fingers hovering just above the keypad, eyes fixated on what I have not written instead of the ideas trapped and whirling around inside my head, I question whether or not I can write this.

Whether not I am qualified enough to give others this kind of advice. After all, half the time I struggle to do anything. Half the time, I can't seem to keep my head above water for long enough to tell myself, "sure, you've had a few setbacks, but you've got this. You've always had this."

Usually during a time like this, I feel incredibly small, making the things that I wish to do, conquer even, feel even more impossible. But you know, I'm beginning to think that they feel so scary because only half of me is committed, and that half that is, is constantly trying to convince and drag along the other half. The part that questions, doubts, and questions some more.

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Here We Go: Thoughts On a New Year + The Expectations We Set For Ourselves

With the car door slightly ajar, snow in my boots, and the ice cold breeze wafting through without hesitation, I rid my socks of snow and tucked my legs beneath me while holding my coffee close. 

I'm in the middle of nowhere, a place I often come when my mind can't settle and my heart beats fast. To my left there is nothing but sagebrush and blue skies, and to my right the dark blue ridge line of the cascades props itself up above us all, naming itself the ruler of the land. This I do not disagree with; happy to be in a place so open and so free yet still kept safe by the mighty snow covered mountains.

Here, I can think, breath, let go of all expectations, and eventually ease my way back into the bustling world. Here, things don't seem so impossible. Here, there is no doubt in my mind that I will not only get better, but thrive while doing so (something I questions quite often). And after some time spent in my own world, I look over at Kona, sitting straight up with ears perked and eyes fixated on some furry little creature up ahead. Sometimes, I forget how lucky I am.

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Reaching a Quarter Of a Century: A Letter To Myself On Being Flexible + Forgiving With Time While Fighting Lyme Disease

When I close my eyes and let my body sink into the springs of the pull out couch, all I can hear is the distant cheer of games being played downstairs, the gentle hum of those already sleeping, and the crashing of waves just outside my window. Ever since I can remember, I've struggled to keep a smile on my face as the hours of my birthday go by. I have often told myself that this makes me a bad person. That my inability to be fully in the present during this 24 hour period, laughing, smiling, and loving all that it means to reach a new age, era, and time in my life, makes me selfish and ungrateful.

Not true, and if you too ever tell yourself that you are either of these two things, stop. Don't you dare think of yourself as a burden, being less than, or someone other than what you, or others, think you should be. 

Now that I think about it, it's been awhile since I've written here, or even on Instagram. It could be that the weight of turning 25 is weighing heavy on me, or that I am simply in a creative funk, but there is this nagging feeling telling me that something else is churning up my core. After all, I think I quite suit being in my mid twenties. And sure, my creativity flows come and go, but amidst the lulls, there is always room to share my voice. 

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On Processing Painful Information, Allowing Yourself To Feel + Moving Forward In A Way That Works For You

And like the wave retreats back into the ocean, uncovering forgotten treasures, weathered stones, and marine life eager to once again dive beneath the depths, here I am, standing in front of every thought I had promised to let go, moments and memories I had stowed away for a different life, a life that I would never have to face.

I look down at my hands, they're shaking.

I then place my hands on my heart, it's throbbing. 

I close my eyes and dive into my thoughts, they're screaming, lost, and disoriented. 

How did I get here? How do I face something so devastating that the thought of it sends me into a tizzy? Rather, a state of confusion seemingly impossible to come back from. The thing about these moments, the root of what makes them so difficult to process, is the feeling that they came out of nowhere. You think, these things, they aren't suppose to be happening. I mean, there is no way this could be true. Things weren't ever suppose to get this bad. 

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