Posts tagged more than lyme
June 7th - July 21st, 2018: Things I'd Tell You

I'm writing this from a little organic coffee shop in Bend, Oregon, and though the words below are in chronological order,  already written out at the date provided, doing their best to navigate and make sense of the past month or so, it would be doing them, myself, and all of you injustice if I were to dive right in. 

The possible argument that... this could be seen as a clear character depiction of my need and want to explain everything. Alas, I'm moving forward with the why's and the how's and the what if's. 

Let's start with the basics:I started this as a way to process the death of my grandpa. You can find more of those details, here. 

The bigger picture:In processing the death of my grandpa, I am noticing the cycles and persistent habits of my often anxious self, amongst other things, and I'm not sure I would have noticed if I didn't check in with myself in this no-pressure and expectation-less kind of way. 

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Finding Validation In Your Experiences: Why It's Taken Me 15 Years to Not Just Trust in Myself, but be My Own Best Advocate

I sit here, fingers tapping the 99 cent notebook I just purchased, a victory as it mean't more ideas took up the pages of another, I begin to stir in my thoughts and wonder if this feeling of groundless-ness has anything to do with my inability to make any semblance of a routine right now.

First, these posts take on the form of words, like validation, worthiness, advocate, best self, all scribbled onto a piece of paper until something comes together and makes some kind of sense. Usually, they come to me as I'm leaving an appointment, picking out new tea at the local grocers, having a conversation with a good friend, or sometimes, if I'm really lucky, as I am armed and ready with a pen and notebook in hand. 

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What It Means to Find Your People: Thoughts on Coming Together + Being Part of an Unbreakable Community

I am just now emerging from five days spent nestled in a log cabin along the mackenzie river with a handful of my favorite people... 

Preparing for a wedding that would very quickly reaffirm my meaning of community and just what it means to come together, building something out of very little. Rather, building something incredibly beautiful out of a few bits of wire, twin, and netting, some eucalyptus and dahlia's, dried willow branches, two incredible chefs, at least 150 polaroid pictures, and an out-the-door line up of hard workers, at a location that was on the cusp of a rapidly approaching wildfire, two miles away to be exact. 

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Losing Creative Confidence + Doing Your Best to get It Back: Thoughts on the Ebb and Flow of Fighting Lyme + Forgiving Yourself When Moving Forward Takes Longer than Expected

Warm yellow light streams through my window, a fresh bouquet of flowers sits beside my computer, a photo of my mother holding a young Chloe looks up at me from the corner of my desk; I'm surrounded by goodness, by uplifting reminders, by things that should give me everything that I need to take whatever today brings by storm...

But my motivation dissipates as my eyes linger on the unchecked boxes and mind fixates on the number of weeks it's been since I've been able to properly execute an idea and follow through with the pending ones. Why haven't I asked them about this, reached out to them, written about that, finished those projects, spend more time on this while focusing less on that? It's endless and draining, serving no purpose other than to take jabs at my confidence and do its best to halt all passion driven pursuits. 

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Gaining Creative Confidence with Lyme: Thoughts on how It's Changed My Life + the Incredible People I've Met Because of It

This past month or so has been something of a whirlwind, somehow managing to feel every emotion from a to z, but doing my best see it as a good thing. Yes, there are days when feeling everything can feel like too much, and it's all I can do to not crumble beneath the weight of nearly everything that comes my way. But then, then there are days where I don't feel anything at all, and there I am, begging my mind to let me take hold of something, anything, just as long as it allows for a change in emotion. In feeling. In how I view this moment right now. 

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