Posts tagged lymedontkillmyvibe
Here We Go: Thoughts On a New Year + The Expectations We Set For Ourselves

With the car door slightly ajar, snow in my boots, and the ice cold breeze wafting through without hesitation, I rid my socks of snow and tucked my legs beneath me while holding my coffee close. 

I'm in the middle of nowhere, a place I often come when my mind can't settle and my heart beats fast. To my left there is nothing but sagebrush and blue skies, and to my right the dark blue ridge line of the cascades props itself up above us all, naming itself the ruler of the land. This I do not disagree with; happy to be in a place so open and so free yet still kept safe by the mighty snow covered mountains.

Here, I can think, breath, let go of all expectations, and eventually ease my way back into the bustling world. Here, things don't seem so impossible. Here, there is no doubt in my mind that I will not only get better, but thrive while doing so (something I questions quite often). And after some time spent in my own world, I look over at Kona, sitting straight up with ears perked and eyes fixated on some furry little creature up ahead. Sometimes, I forget how lucky I am.

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Reaching a Quarter Of a Century: A Letter To Myself On Being Flexible + Forgiving With Time While Fighting Lyme Disease

When I close my eyes and let my body sink into the springs of the pull out couch, all I can hear is the distant cheer of games being played downstairs, the gentle hum of those already sleeping, and the crashing of waves just outside my window. Ever since I can remember, I've struggled to keep a smile on my face as the hours of my birthday go by. I have often told myself that this makes me a bad person. That my inability to be fully in the present during this 24 hour period, laughing, smiling, and loving all that it means to reach a new age, era, and time in my life, makes me selfish and ungrateful.

Not true, and if you too ever tell yourself that you are either of these two things, stop. Don't you dare think of yourself as a burden, being less than, or someone other than what you, or others, think you should be. 

Now that I think about it, it's been awhile since I've written here, or even on Instagram. It could be that the weight of turning 25 is weighing heavy on me, or that I am simply in a creative funk, but there is this nagging feeling telling me that something else is churning up my core. After all, I think I quite suit being in my mid twenties. And sure, my creativity flows come and go, but amidst the lulls, there is always room to share my voice. 

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That Familiar Feeling: This Is What a Panic Attack Feels and Looks Like To Me, and This Is How I Choose To Face Them

I just happened to stumble across this tiny little wooden box that I used to keep under my pillow, something my mom gave me to help with bad dreams or moments of panic. In it, you will find a collection of treasures notes, dried flowers, and a photo of Audrey Hepburn.

It was timely you see, as the dark clouds rolled heavy over our home, over the now nearly bare trees, I felt that all too familiar tightening in my chest, quickening of my heart, soon to be beating heavy against my chest, ears, and behind my eyes. 

Not long after that, my throat began to close, so any chance at speaking you could be sure would be nothing but mumbles, jabs at words, and incoherent sentences. And as I reach my hands up to my eyes, a comforting gesture I often do when my head throbs, I noticed how badly they were shaking, not only that, but they were cold as ice with finger tips as purple as grapes. 

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The Parts You Don't See: What It's Like Living With, Loving, and Fighting Alongside Someone With An Invisible Illness

I have a hard time letting people in,And this includes the people closest to me. Now, that's not meaning to say that I don't tell them what's going on in my life, because I do! I really do, but rather, I shield the parts of me that I worry will scare them into thinking I will, like so many times before, fall. 

That I will climb to the top only to come tumbling back down, barreling past where I stood just moments before. 

This is what living with an invisible illness feels like, at least to me anyways; not only does it - at times - consume every part of your body and mind, but it also weighs heavily on the lives of the people that care and love for you. The people that look at you with eyes filled with hope, determination, and confusion as to why you aren't getting better. As to why we keep finding ourselves circling back to this very moment again and again. As to why everything we do doesn't seem to work in the way "they" said it would...

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Roll On Through: Embracing The Complexities and Our Own Unique Methods Of Healing

The clouds, dark and heavy against a white sheet of sky, move quickly over the dry summer hills and through to the next valley, bringing with it glimpses of blue sky.

Glimpses of hope, glimpses that things won't always be like this. 

It's true, sometimes I grow frustrated and begin to question whether or not I should keep pushing myself. Whether or not I should slow down and focus solely on my treatment; a constant battle in my head on whether or not I could be doing more.

The thing I've come to realize is that, and just like most other things, I won't heal in the same way you will, just as you won't heal in the same way she or he will.

Just as this disease is complex, so are we. 

So are the many ways we choose to spend our time between doctors visits, exhaustion, days of being stuck in bed, intensive treatment, and, well, everything else that comes with living with a chronic illness. 

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This Is Where I am Right Now, and That's Ok. Navigating Expectations + The Pressure We Put On Our Future Selves

Holding off. Stepping back. Looking at the opportunities in front of me at a different angle, with my eyes wide and heart full of simple moments. 

Moments spent with the ones I love, in the places that encourage us all to thrive at a pace that works in harmony with where we are right now, rather than trying to catch up with the expectations that we hold over ourselves. That we carry with us with us no matter how many times we try to shoo them away. 

Part of me is terrified of where I am right now. Part of me wants to drop my responsibilities and run as fast as I can in towards a stress-free, doubt-free, and pain-free place. But, the part of me that keeps digging. The part of me that remains curious, knee deep in ideas and half finished projects, that's the part of me I want to stick with.

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