Posts tagged More Than Lyme
I'd Rather Not Talk About Lyme Disease: On Doing What's Best For You Right Now, Even If That Means Less Lyme Talk + More Wildflowers

Just like that, I'm curled up in the floor...

Hands grabbing at two bobby pins, missing, falling, and missing again, eventually with one in each hand I move my fingers quickly, tangling and un-tangling the two pieces of wire. 

When I stop, my hand convulses, vibrates even, sending shivers of pain and pressure through my veins. And you know what really gets me? The anger. The there-is-no-way-this-is me anger that wriggles and ties my insides in knots. 

I don't set it free, not this time, but it takes everything I've got to keep it under control. I want to scream and smash things. I want to be angry with myself as hurtful words bounce back and forth in my head. But I don't. I just sit here, hands and forearms now wrapped tightly around my chest, focusing on everything and nothing at all. 

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How Slowing Down Changed The Way I Plan To Move Forward, A Letter To Fear + Some General Thoughts On Life + Forgiveness

Just emerging from what feels like a self-run retreat of the mind and how best to navigate through it's rapidly changing waters.

I've been wanting to write you something for awhile now, but the words just aren't there, that and the transition into the process of slowing down took longer than I thought. Rather, I gave myself around a month to "figure things out", and now here I am, still swimming upstream and nearing the end of month two. 

But what did I really expect to change? Was I really going to reach that moment when everything would feel ok. When the anxieties faced dissipated into my ever-growing list of pursuits? Were the things that previously tied a knot in my throat and stomach going to loosen their grip and allow me to create and spring forth with ease? Most likely, no. 

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The Hope Of What Will Be: On Letting Go + Moving Forward

It's as if I'm going throughout my day with my eyes partially closed, thoughts directed inwards at the perpetual discontent I feel with the state of my health - why am I always looking for what's wrong with me when so much is right?

The hope of what will be, were the words told to me by a dear friend yesterday as I stared at several garbage bags full of old medicine, tinctures, PICC line supplies, powders, goops and a plethora of other treatment regimes and failed attempts at what I told myself would be the start of everything. Start of a healthy, thriving, and always "winning" life.

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This Is Where I am Right Now, and That's Ok. Navigating Expectations + The Pressure We Put On Our Future Selves

Holding off. Stepping back. Looking at the opportunities in front of me at a different angle, with my eyes wide and heart full of simple moments. 

Moments spent with the ones I love, in the places that encourage us all to thrive at a pace that works in harmony with where we are right now, rather than trying to catch up with the expectations that we hold over ourselves. That we carry with us with us no matter how many times we try to shoo them away. 

Part of me is terrified of where I am right now. Part of me wants to drop my responsibilities and run as fast as I can in towards a stress-free, doubt-free, and pain-free place. But, the part of me that keeps digging. The part of me that remains curious, knee deep in ideas and half finished projects, that's the part of me I want to stick with.

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Fresh Alpine Air, Blue Skies, and Sleeping Under The Stars. On Being Intentional.
Recently, I've noticed that I rarely leave myself room for spontaneity, for little adventures, for the dirt, wild flowers, and idea generating blue skies. For the simple things that I love so dearly. 

Why? There is a chance that, due to my rather serious demeanor and need for "productivity" even when I'm not feeling at my best,  that I am a workaholic. That even though I recognize and so often crave the presence of the wild, I have a hard time letting go. I have a hard time letting myself do anything other than work - using "work" as a broad term here. 

Now, this constant need to "work" might also come from my not so wonderful track record of past jobs, where much of the blame weighs heavily on Lyme and the limitations it brings. That until I can feel secure on all levels, I can't slow down. 

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Why We Should Encourage Not Compare. On Leaning Into Our Fears + Sharing Our Story
From a distance,

Something can often seem difficult, harsh, or intimidating. From a distance, our eyes become fixated on all that we have yet to do. On the massive wall that we have yet to find our way over. 

We were on the road by 3:30am winding our way through narrow valley roads scattered with lambs sleeping beside their mothers, the soft sound of music from the stereo encouraging us to stay awake.
The sun was just beginning to rise as we pulled into the trailhead, quickly filling our stomachs with an apple and bar before heading up the rocky path towards the sleeping stone giants. 
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