Posts tagged Lyme Disease
It Won't Be Easy, But It Will Be Worth It: How To Achieve Your Goals When Fighting Lyme Disease

With fingers hovering just above the keypad, eyes fixated on what I have not written instead of the ideas trapped and whirling around inside my head, I question whether or not I can write this.

Whether not I am qualified enough to give others this kind of advice. After all, half the time I struggle to do anything. Half the time, I can't seem to keep my head above water for long enough to tell myself, "sure, you've had a few setbacks, but you've got this. You've always had this."

Usually during a time like this, I feel incredibly small, making the things that I wish to do, conquer even, feel even more impossible. But you know, I'm beginning to think that they feel so scary because only half of me is committed, and that half that is, is constantly trying to convince and drag along the other half. The part that questions, doubts, and questions some more.

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This Is Where I am Right Now, and That's Ok. Navigating Expectations + The Pressure We Put On Our Future Selves

Holding off. Stepping back. Looking at the opportunities in front of me at a different angle, with my eyes wide and heart full of simple moments. 

Moments spent with the ones I love, in the places that encourage us all to thrive at a pace that works in harmony with where we are right now, rather than trying to catch up with the expectations that we hold over ourselves. That we carry with us with us no matter how many times we try to shoo them away. 

Part of me is terrified of where I am right now. Part of me wants to drop my responsibilities and run as fast as I can in towards a stress-free, doubt-free, and pain-free place. But, the part of me that keeps digging. The part of me that remains curious, knee deep in ideas and half finished projects, that's the part of me I want to stick with.

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In Harmony With Myself: Telling Myself I Can Do It Just Before I Decide To Give up

Hands are shaking, check. Head is throbbing, check. Stomach is churning, check. At any given moment I can stop whatever I'm doing, feeling these symptoms pulse through my body like that have done for many, many years.

Slowly but surely, we made our way up the dirt path. A path leading us towards a clearing in the trees not far from where stood. As we continued upwards, I began to make out the white of the mountains above the treetops, as if luring us in with their brief but impactful presence. 

I stopped to catch my breath, letting the cool of my hands soothe my eyes. As I recoup and continue up the path, I think back on my reluctance to take this adventure. Why? I asked myself I over and over. It's almost as if I have been trained to say no, only ever looking for the parts of me that are in pain. The parts of me that feel anxious. The parts of me that I deem unworthy.

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Taking Note Of The World Around Me

That the way I think things should be, and the way things are, are different. For example: I have Lyme, and I wish I didn't - among other things...

I continually find myself working towards goals, dreams, ideas, projects, practices, and habits that all fall under the realm of, "things I'll do when I'm better." Or rather, "things I'll actually be good at, able to accomplish, and follow through with when I'm feeling like myself again." When I'm no longer sick.

It's as if, without realizing it, I can't ever give it my all because I have already decided in the back of my mind that it's not possible. That the things I wish to do can be started, but not finished until I'm, well, healthier, stronger, braver, and more "secure" than I am now...

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Putting Your Whole Self Forward Amidst the Setbacks of Living with a Chronic Illness

Rather than the bits and pieces of yourself that you deem worthy. Rather than hiding those "un-worthy" pieces beneath the surface of uncertainty, doubt, and the fear of whether or not you will be accepted as a whole, by yourself, and those around you. 

It's terrifying, yet at the same time exhilarating, believing that you can do it. That you can take what feels like a broken body and mend it together with hope, strength, and a determined mind. YOU can do it. YOU can put your whole self forward and be seen as something incredible, by you, and those that surround you. Those that love, honor, and support you no matter what...

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Terrified of Losing That "Creative Spark" While Fighting Lyme Disease

I am terrified.

Terrified of losing my ability to create. To write. To take the many expressions of myself and plaster them against blank page after blank page, with the signature cup of tea steeping for far too long beside the clicking of my keyboard.

Since arriving home from our trip to Europe, I haven't been able to bring myself to write, at least not in the way that my expectations had set for me.

I told myself, with all of this new found wisdom and inspiration, that I would be able to write for hours each day, effortlessly sharing moments past, but the truth is, my mind is having none of it...

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