I Am Done Running: Why Lyme Disease Will Always Be Part of This Story
The air stagnant,
thick with thoughts carved out of yesterday’s happenings and the anticipation for tomorrow’s anxiety. Ultimately, I sigh and welcome myself to a place I think of as the in between.
Where wanting to fix, repair, dissect, analyze, and make new, is second nature, and the idea that one can simply be with where they’re at and the accomplishments that run alongside the act of showing up for the day, however that looks, is absurd and entirely unrealistic.
Work more, achieve more, learn more, be more more more—with that mindset, no wonder I’m falling short. No wonder I feel let down.
I was thinking about the why behind this tendency. About the years spent running away from Lyme rather than facing it; upon stopping, turning, and being with the darn thing, I was under the illusion that things would simply unfold. That letting go was all part of the process. That wholeness was served with and that Lyme wouldn’t be part the outcome.
I have not entirely forgiven the person five years ago for breaking trust with the people she loves most, living in a world that runs against her values, so fiercely I was surely blinded by stubbornness to fix and control what would never be fixable or controllable.
I don’t know when or how or if I’ll ever fully forgive, but I do know that I am done running. I am done cutting things out of my life simply because they are uncomfortable, and when asked if I will stop creating for More Than Lyme when I’m feeling better (I view this more as a give and take—always changing what “better” means to me). When I can finally cut all ties and be myself without Lyme once and for all, all comes to an abrupt stop.
I always, always plan on showing up here, because here is where I am reminded of the why. Here is where I begin to see that it’s not about the control or the fixing or even the letting go, it’s about the feeling that you get when you’re doing what you’re meant to do, no matter how challenging or seemingly impossible. When you’re showing up here, regardless of the baggage brought with.
When you’re taking all that you are, the broken, the pain, the lies, the fear, the part of you that wants to run and run and run, and use it as every reason to not erase or shy away from nearly 18 years of your life, but face it again and again.
Again when you’re feeling incredible.
And again when you’re feeling awful.
Because regardless of the source, lows will surely be hit, and so will highs. Again and again and again.
I will never be without this story, those years, and a disease that has been carved into my narrative, but I can always decide that I’m more than it, regardless of what’s present or past. I can be whole and fully me with every broken piece, moment held too tightly, and act yet to be forgiven.
How we choose to be here with all of this, is up to us and us alone, and regardless of where you’re at, I want you to know that I see you, I hear you, and I’ll always be here for you, because you all are part of my why.
You all have let me lean on you, so please, know you can always lean on me, too.
All my love,