Cold Coffee + An Uneasy Mind: Journal Entry, September 29th, 2017
Friday, 7:23 am. Windows are open. Coffee is growing cold next to my uneasy mind.
It's been a Monday - Friday off track, upside down, in a twist, angry, sad, confused, self loathing, painful, lost, an most likely about fifteen other emotions that I'm not thinking of.
Half this, the other half that, then what makes up those halves is divided by one thousand pending, aching, screaming-to-be-heard emotions.
I can't solve all of it right now.
I can't take everything in front of me and tidy it into a pretty little box.
I can't expect that the answers will come in one tide, but rather, hundreds of crashing, roaring, unexpected waves.
I can't hold onto the expectations I have without the slightest tinge of, could this change?
I convince myself that the finished product isn't good enough.
I convince myself that what you see is what you get, when in reality, there is so much more. There are mountaintops and valleys more. There are unique twists and turns, and ups and downs that surprise and delight. There are many ways that the beauty can seep through the cracks and soak the cold prickly fabric, warming and softening it with not just ideas, but amazing ones. Ones that form from beautiful collaborations. Ones that yes, wander and wane, but never fully disappear.
I can't always feel this way about that and that way about this.
I can't always expect to be lifted up from the muck simply because I've been there too long.
I need to push my hands down, dig in, and get dirty, finding a steady grip - my grip - lifting up and out of creative pitfalls, looming doubts, and fear-filled weeks, months, years.
There will always be that something to tell me that I can't.
There will always be that something to push me in a direction I don't want to go.
But I manage.
I suss it out.
I make choices and I call on friends.
Most importantly, I listen to what feels right with me right now.
What does feel right with me right now? How can I move with this nagging feeling that what I'm creating, what I'm doing, it's not enough.
I'm not enough.
I chalk up whatever efforts were put forth as oh well, thats cute! Or nice try but you just have to leave that stuff to the big leagues. To the professionals. To the ones with the know how. The fit minds. The powerful, and never-forgetting minds.
The ones that don't make slip ups or fall on their faces.
The ones that don't need to extend deadlines + apologize for medical emergencies.
Well guess what, Chloe?
Those people don't exist, but you do and you already have this.