A Little Life Update: On Moving Closer to the Truth, Working Alongside the Uncomfortable, and Settling Into More Than Lyme
As I write this...
It's quite late on a Wednesday night, and most certainly far past the time that I told myself I would be going to sleep, but something, most likely my gut, told me I should sit down and write this, otherwise I'm not certain any sleep would take place.
I've been a little absent, and maybe even distant from this community. You see, it was unexpected: I had a plan and was on a roll, moving what felt like seamlessly from one moment and one post to the next: adventures, stories, and sharing the inner workings of my mind? Easy! I was making it work, crossing of my to do's, and even tossing in a handful of workout sessions here and there.
Then, a wall, and not one that you can easily scramble over with the shoes you happen to have on and the jeans you're wearing. No, this one requires a complete outfit change, down to the socks, hair tie, and even lotion I had decided to wear on my face that day. And as I gave myself time to do what I needed to do in order to climb over this obstacle in front of me, I began to realize that with each layer removed, further "work" was needing to be done.
Ok, that's fine, I can do this. In fact, I would say that I have been doing this, right?
(a few moments, days, and I would even say weeks later...)
Ok, it's still fine, even though I am seconding guessing myself, repeating over and over, "I so thought I had this, I do have this, I so thought I had this, I do have this," I wont go into any more detail, but on it goes, until finally, I stop.
Thoughts that follow this pause, which might I add, is still taking place: Too much is being uncovered for you not too reach out and ask for help. For you not too take that hand, feel that lean in as you lean back, and tear soaked sleeves as you turn, for the first time in a long time, to fully face yourself. To see the things in front of you as not urgencies or necessities, but privileges; ideas, moments, projects, connections, and creative endeavors that you are lucky enough to be given the room to explore.
There should be no time limit when it comes to working through something, whether it be emotional or physical, so when we put this pressure on ourselves to be this way at this time by this date, or else, we are leaving too much room for the wrong kind of emotions: fear, guilt, doubt, pain, and an inability to let go and stop reaching back or jumping forward when things get out of sync.
And yes, realizing that much of this is something that can be done by oneself to oneself, makes it all the more difficult to work through.
But we do, and with courage, especially while receiving the support and love of others, who like you, have been there before. Who have, in one way or another, seen what you've seen, felt what you've felt, and come through and out the other side, still creating, healing, and doing the things that they love.
Community, connection, and the importance of sharing our story, that's what comes to mind as I say this.
As I work through this, not alone or separate, but along side you.
It just takes time. Time that looks and feels different for her, you, him - every single one of us. So go easy on yourself, leaving plenty of room to suss out the situation. To see the wall in front of you as every reason to keep moving in the direction you wish to go, rather than turning around, burying those fears, and walking alone and back to that place you once, or maybe still at times, tell yourself you should be. These reminders and obstacles, or challenges if you will, have a way of reminding me that it's never really been about getting rid of the uncomfortable, but instead, loosening the grip just enough for new routes to be discovered, ideas to come to light, and other ways in which I can move through this, whatever this is, in a way that works for me.
Not last time, not in a few years, but now. Do what feels right, right now.
Isn't that amazing? These endless tools for us to pull from. Sure, I don't love the idea of wall after wall after wall, but what sounds even worse is a life without challenge, perspective, and the chance to unfold new, and often terrifying, parts of oneself.
Not to mention, if it weren't for these challenges, I don't think I would be open to the kind of healing that I find myself doing right now. The kind of openness I feel when approaching topics I would have been too afraid to delve into before.
So, what does moving forward look like?
+ Reaching out to people that inspire and motivate me to keep going, even when I feel stuck - especially if reaching out feels at all scary.
+ Reading, learning, and staying curious and open when it comes to the ideas that keep circling back round, as well as making room for new ones.
+ Making sure I am setting aside time to create for myself, not anyone else.
+ Recharging through getting outside and time spent with family and close friends (this one is kind of a nonnegotiable for me).
+ Giving myself room to heal at a pace and in a way that is in sync with where I'm at, which can actually be quite difficult.
+ Letting go of certain ideals and expectations I've set for myself.
+ Finding a therapist that I feel comfortable and open enough with. Recommendations? Do let me know!
Alright, that's enough about me, what about More Than Lyme + You?
+ More in person connections, because you all are amazing and I not only want to read your amazing stories, but hear them too.
+ A website upgrade. Rather, subtle shifts that I really think are going to make a difference!
+ Working towards a more consistent schedule with posts, that way all of you will know what to expect and when to expect it. But of course, there should always be wiggle room here as life happens and we aren't always able to do as we planned (i.e. entire post above).
+ Short and sweet email updates where I fill you in on this, as well as recent revelations, projects, creative talks (as always), and ways in which we can work together to make our life even more rich and full, all while taking on these so called walls and challenges with a positive twist.
+ As well as other things that I'm not going to talk about quite yet! Soon, but not just yet.
You are enough.
You are enough.
You are enough.
All my love,