The Hope Of What Will Be: On Letting Go + Moving Forward
In a Way That Works For Me As I Embark On Year 16 Of Fighting Lyme Disease
It's as if I'm going throughout my day with my eyes partially closed, thoughts directed inwards at the perpetual discontent I feel with the state of my health - why am I always looking for what's wrong with me when so much is right?
The hope of what will be, were the words told to me by a dear friend yesterday as I stared at several garbage bags full of old medicine, tinctures, PICC line supplies, powders, goops and a plethora of other treatment regimes and failed attempts at what I told myself would be the start of everything. Start of a healthy, thriving, and always "winning" life.
What was I doing? Was this purge of failed medications even going to work? I mean, maybe they didn't work because my heart wasn't in it. Because a part of me has believe that after nearly 16 years, I was never going to get better. Maybe, if the time was right and my mind in a better place, they would work.
There is is again, the hope of what will be, a phrase that has been echoing in my mind since yesterday in my bathroom with pills and garbage bags, carrying me through a sleepless night, all while reaffirming the idea that it really is time to let go. That waiting for whatever I'm waiting for is no more of a guarantee than actually letting go and doing the dang thing.
So, what does moving forward look like? It looks challenging but rewarding, filled with more failed attempts and more than a few "shot in the dark's." It is different, simplified, and more me. It's being thankful for what I do have now and building off it.
It's seeing myself as whole and happy, not broken and needing constant patchwork and time and more patchwork and bandaids before I can open my eyes and take a look at what will be. What already is amazing.
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