I often wonder who I would see, how I would feel, and what I would say if I came face to face with myself.
Would I see a girl that doesn't give enough, isn't smart enough, or is too flawed to feel worthy of the life she has been given? Would I see someone lost, weak, and full of fear? Or, would I recognize her truths? Feel the effort that she has given to live a life based off of the positive, not the negative?
Yeah - I would. I would, or at least I'm going to tell myself that. I'm going to tell myself that because whether or I believe it, it's true.
One small shift in the way you think will cause a ripple of change into every single aspect of your life.
From pain to hardship, joy, doubt, and illness; you tell yourself you can, that you're strong enough, that the mistakes you've made are lessons learned and not the definition of who you are, you'll be able to achieve whatever you wish to achieve.
Now, I can say this with clarity, confidence, and sureness, but actually following through with positive thought? Actually following through and dedicating myself to the thoughts that will lift me up, not tear me down? That's a pursuit that should not be taken lightly. I mean, let's be honest, those feelings will always be there; whether you're struggling with your health or not, there will always be that part of you that questions your integrity and your self worth. It's how we move past it that counts.
Right now, even as I type out these words, I worry that my voice isn't strong enough, that my thoughts aren't clear enough, that the message that I'm trying to convey will get lost in translation, will be swept away or dropped off the abyss somewhere between my fingers and this keyboard. Why do I get this feeling? Not sure, but I'm quite certain it stems from my lack of confidence, my insecurity, and the bubbling up of the past; a boil that is seemingly impossible to simmer.
I look at my many treasured books magazines, wondering how in the world I could ever create something like that, so much so even the thought of it brings me to doubt my capabilities to the point where I don't end up writing. I think, "nah, I'll leave this for the people who have experience. For the people that know what they're doing."
Quite honestly, when do I every really know what I'm doing?
I don't, and I think because I am trying so hard to be okay with the unknown, I'm forgetting what it's like to be ok with the now. When I don't write it's because I'm worried that I won't be able to show my truths, tell a story, or convey the importance of a place, person, or adventure. When I don't write it's because I am forgetting that I am the one in control of my mind, not my subconscious. Sure, it's a powerful thing as most the time we aren't aware of it's actions, but when you step back and take a look at what those negative thoughts might be stopping you from doing? The list is endless.
When I don't write it's because a part of me actually believes that my words aren't worth enough to be written down, let alone read by anyone else. And why do these overpowering feeling rise up whenever I put a piece of my writing in a place where the world can see my honest truths? Well, quite simple. It's because I'm pushing myself past the negativity and straight on through to the vulnerability.
This concept applies to every aspect of your life. Let it be illness, pain, or any kind of hardship, you can always count on that little voice in your head to tell you that you can't do that one thing, that one thing that you love so dearly, because you're too weak, incapable, or lost to lead any sort of creative lifestyle.
You deserve to do the things you love
You are an artist, a maker, a mover, a shifter, and a changer. You are making strides between the two steps forward and the two steps back. So, don't you dare downplay the task at hand, because you know just how hard it is to put yourself out there. To believe in yourself enough to be okay with self ridicule that can come from being vulnerable.
What you do, the goals that you have, and the dreams that you hold onto, are not out of reach simply because you do not have your best health. No, it just means that you'll have to work your butt of to get to where you want to be, even if that place is this very moment.
Your artistry is in everything you do, say, and feel. Every step you make, make it towards your best self.
Keep on keepin' on and don't forget to share your story
Love you all dearly,