As I Fall Asleep
I stare at the ceiling as I listen to the beating of my heart in my neck, ears, and eyes. I can feel the weight of my thoughts as I toss back and forth, remembering a night when I was much younger, a night where the only thing that could make the pain stop was to make shapes and patterns from the bumps and textures on the ceiling on my then, parents bedroom.
" I just wan't to die, " I told my mom as she cradled my head in her hands.
I remember this moment, and this feeling, as if it happened yesterday, even though this moment was back in 2001. Before I was diagnosed with Lyme, before I had the slightest idea as to what was wrong with me.
I never said those words again, nor to I ever plan too. However, my frustration and anger towards how I felt manifested itself over the years as the questions remained largely unanswered, and I became more unsure and uncomfortable with who I was.
" I don't want to scare you but there is a chance you have Parkinson's Disease "
A neurologist told me back in 2011. He was baffled by my vast array of ever-changing symptoms, and was positive that it just couldn't be Lyme. Right? Because even the thought of it is absurd.
You know, it's almost as if every time I utter(ed) the phrase, "I have Lyme" a little bit of me broke off as I tried not to look at the concerned face of the person sitting across from me.
Hey, maybe they're right. Maybe I am just a little bit crazy.
It didn't stop. I lost my job. I quit going to college. I became reckless, panicky, and self destructive. I cut ties and told lies to protect myself from the truth. I numbed the pain through popping pills and sleepless nights, telling myself that fitting in and pretending that I was someone else was more important than being happy.
I've shared quite a bit, but I've also left quite a few things out. I've left them out because they still hurt, and I still feel hurt by them. And part of the reason they hurt so much is because of how they have lingered in my thoughts, actions, and current relationships.
It's been nearly two years since I've been in Bend yet there are some things, try as I might, I still can't shake. I still can't let go. And even though I've talked them through with Adam, my boyfriend, and close friends time and time again, they are ever present.
Do you continue to push past and try to work through these feelings, or do you stop resisting, letting them take their place in your life for as long as they want to be there?
It's hard to know, and I may never find the answer or sense of release that I am looking for. But I think that's ok. I think that with a little more patience and kindness towards myself, I will find a happy medium.
After all, it has been far longer than two years that my body has been processing these feelings. And the crazy thing about feelings is they can manifest themselves into whatever they please. So, when I said I wanted to die back in 2001, that was me manifesting my pain into words, and when I distanced myself from myself and the people around me, that was fear manifesting itself into action in order to numb the fear.
If you were to tell yourself one piece of advice upon being diagnosed with Lyme (or really, whenever you began to notice it's presence) what would that something be and why?
It's a vicious cycle. A cycle that started with Lyme Disease; a disease that has (more than) a huge impact on my life, my thoughts, and my actions. A disease that can take everything you have and make it disappear in seconds.
It's just our job to figure out how to regain control. How to continue to be more than despite it all.
Thanks for reading, and please, share your thoughts...
My best always,