The Privilege in Sharing Our Story: Why I’m Allowing Myself to Feel Angry + What It Means to Be Heard When You’ve Lost the Ability to Use Your Voice

There usually comes a moment when I know, that that something, it’s going to be shared. Even if it’s simply a small fraction of the experience in full, it’s very much still there. 

It certainly doesn’t happen all at once. First, it settles, running deep through my veins, pulsing heavy in my thoughts, a ringing in my ears, a temptation against my lips - I feel it everywhere, pulling me this way and that. There is no way to rid myself of it, and sure, a few shakes could provide me with temporary peace of mind, but again, it comes back. 

A feeling that needs to be set free in order to fill its deed.

I am hoping that this post sits differently with you, and maybe not in the way you’d expect. I’m not here because it’s Wednesday, and Wednesday’s seem like a strategic time to write a post, share a story, and send out a Newsletter, which quite honestly, is something that I do think about, but rather, I’m here because it almost feels as if I have no other choice. 

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Finding Validation In Your Experiences: Why It's Taken Me 15 Years to Not Just Trust in Myself, but be My Own Best Advocate

I sit here, fingers tapping the 99 cent notebook I just purchased, a victory as it mean't more ideas took up the pages of another, I begin to stir in my thoughts and wonder if this feeling of groundless-ness has anything to do with my inability to make any semblance of a routine right now.

First, these posts take on the form of words, like validation, worthiness, advocate, best self, all scribbled onto a piece of paper until something comes together and makes some kind of sense. Usually, they come to me as I'm leaving an appointment, picking out new tea at the local grocers, having a conversation with a good friend, or sometimes, if I'm really lucky, as I am armed and ready with a pen and notebook in hand. 

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Cold Coffee + An Uneasy Mind: Journal Entry, September 29th, 2017

It's been a Monday - Friday off track, upside down, in a twist, angry, sad, confused, self loathing, painful, lost, an most likely about fifteen other emotions that I'm not thinking of. 

Half this, the other half that, then what makes up those halves is divided by one thousand pending, aching, screaming-to-be-heard emotions.

I can't solve all of it right now.

I can't take everything in front of me and tidy it into a pretty little box.

I can't expect that the answers will come in one tide, but rather, hundreds of crashing, roaring, unexpected waves. 

I can't hold onto the expectations I have without the slightest tinge of, could this change? 

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Chloe O'Neill 2 Comments
What It Means to Find Your People: Thoughts on Coming Together + Being Part of an Unbreakable Community

I am just now emerging from five days spent nestled in a log cabin along the mackenzie river with a handful of my favorite people... 

Preparing for a wedding that would very quickly reaffirm my meaning of community and just what it means to come together, building something out of very little. Rather, building something incredibly beautiful out of a few bits of wire, twin, and netting, some eucalyptus and dahlia's, dried willow branches, two incredible chefs, at least 150 polaroid pictures, and an out-the-door line up of hard workers, at a location that was on the cusp of a rapidly approaching wildfire, two miles away to be exact. 

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A Little Life Update: On Moving Closer to the Truth, Working Alongside the Uncomfortable, and Settling Into More Than Lyme

It's quite late on a Wednesday night, and most certainly far past the time that I told myself I would be going to sleep, but something, most likely my gut, told me I should sit down and write this, otherwise I'm not certain any sleep would take place. 

I've been a little absent, and maybe even distant from this community. You see, it was unexpected: I had a plan and was on a roll, moving what felt like seamlessly from one moment and one post to the next: adventures, stories, and sharing the inner workings of my mind? Easy! I was making it work, crossing of my to do's, and even tossing in a handful of workout sessions here and there.

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Losing Creative Confidence + Doing Your Best to get It Back: Thoughts on the Ebb and Flow of Fighting Lyme + Forgiving Yourself When Moving Forward Takes Longer than Expected

Warm yellow light streams through my window, a fresh bouquet of flowers sits beside my computer, a photo of my mother holding a young Chloe looks up at me from the corner of my desk; I'm surrounded by goodness, by uplifting reminders, by things that should give me everything that I need to take whatever today brings by storm...

But my motivation dissipates as my eyes linger on the unchecked boxes and mind fixates on the number of weeks it's been since I've been able to properly execute an idea and follow through with the pending ones. Why haven't I asked them about this, reached out to them, written about that, finished those projects, spend more time on this while focusing less on that? It's endless and draining, serving no purpose other than to take jabs at my confidence and do its best to halt all passion driven pursuits. 

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