January 17, 2019: You Aren't Alone, On Belonging & Showing Up
I’m sat on the floor of my bedroom, a place that I have unexpectedly found solace in over the past few months, especially if I am wanting to writing something of substance, or dedicate myself to a project or phone call. I used to do this in high school, papers all spread out and eyes bouncing between them all, probably only absorbing a fraction of what was in front of me.
I woke up in a bit of a funk today. There wasn’t anything in particular putting me there, just a general overwhelm that tends to slip in when I haven’t taken the time to step aside and check in with myself.
So here I am at the “checking in.” Here I am in the moment before I step back entirely, even if for a few moments, or possibly even half and hour if I’m lucky. I have convinced myself a number of times that I’m writing this too late. That sending it out now would be pointing, but because why? Because that’s what the fancy articles tell me when I search, “when is the best time to send newsletters,” into google.
Well, first off, I like to think of this more as a letter, so heck to that, and secondly, that’s not the point. The point, or one of them, anyway, is to write when you feel like writing. Share when you feel up to sharing. Have our voice felt and seen and heard, even if by only one person, when you have that aching in your chest and knot in your stomach.
And listen, always make sure you’re listening, whether that be checking in with yourself or lending a hand when someone shares for the first time, tentatively stepping out onto a frozen lake they’re sure will crack.
Reminding them and reminding yourself that we all have a right to feel as if we belong.
Anyways, because I am feeling rather aloof and in my head, I decided it best to get myself out of the house today, for both myself and those around me, even if that looks like the park or somewhere no more than 15 minutes away from home.
There is much to be done and the overwhelm is rather suffocating, but there is always going to be a lot to do. Those challenges are always going to be met and those doubts will always pop up at THE most inconvenient time, but that light only hits the tree once. That feeling you get when you’re breathing in the freshest and most expansive of air into your lungs, filling you up and giving us every reason to believe in ourselves again.
If I keep going I will most likely ramble on about such things (I bet you anything I’ll write at least two more paragraphs), but the point is, meet yourself where you’re at and give your body what it needs, and if you don’t know what that is or have limitations between you and that thing, make slight adjustments, as there is always, always a way to let go or move through an emotion, it just might happen all at once or in the form that you’d expect.
So, as I gather my things from this wool carpet, turn up the heat ever so slightly, and make myself another cup of coffee (I think I need to cut back), removing myself just enough to both see and feel that it will all be ok. That not every emotion needs to be dissected, analyzed, and explained. That you both be broken and whole at the same time.
That some things are a mystery, and very well could remain that way for some time, but that doesn’t mean you can coexist. That you can’t let go little by little, one finger loosening, then the other, and the other, only to grab hold tightly and begin that process all over again.
But don’t be discouraged or hard on yourself. After all, it’s something that we all go through in one form or another at many different points in our lives. Just do your best to keep showing up, doing the work, while forgiving yourself when it all feels like too much.
Make tweaks and adjustments. Step back or to the side until you’ve figured out a way to remind yourself that you, no matter where you’re at or how you’re feeling, aren’t alone. That you belong.
Love to you always,