May 23rd, 2018: That Mysterious Icky Feeling, Where We've Been, and Playing Catch Up
Well, hello again!
How are all of you? It has been ages since we last spoke and for that I apologize!
You know that feeling you get when something is wrong but you just can't figure out what? It sits somewhere deep in the pit of your stomach, or maybe in your chest - throat even, and no matter how hard you try, you just can't seem to rid yourself of it?
Last night I went to bed with it, and as soon as I woke, it was there, ready to bug-the-heck out of my day. I wonder, what's it trying to tell me? I could take a few guesses, maybe apologize to something or someone in order to make it better? Go away, even?
(I also haven't had coffee yet, so that could be playing a role in it.)
I do know that, whatever and wherever it is, fixating on the origin on it isn't going to do me any good, at least not when I'm looking to scare it off. A few things, however, are for absolute certain.
In and amongst playing catch up with sleep, trying to settle without settling (we're moving house, so there's only so much of that I can do!), navigate work while both inspired, exhausted, and at times, worried about worrying about being worried, I'm unable to keep up with myself.
Regardless of what that thing (feeling) is or where it might be hiding, I don't plan on making it the center of my days. Instead, I think it's about time I fill you in on the past few months, not everything, but quite a bit; I'm realizing, sharing can so often be a form of validation -- there you are, waiting eagerly for those responses to your happenings to trickle in, and when they do, giving yourself permission to move on with the next thing.
I was certainly doing this, but without the capacity, or even energy, to really feel good about anything I was sharing. In short, I thought I should share to share so that everything made sense and no one was left in the dark.
Don't be absurd, Chloe, you know that you can't make sense of everything all of the time; there will be the days when you want to write, create, and be there in a bigger kind of way, but there will also be the days where simply showing up is the best you can do.
There's so much more to say, in fact, I just wrote a whole other paragraph, deleting it, shortly after realizing I was diving into a topic (guilt and privilege) that's much better suited for a day when I've had my coffee and this pit in my stomach isn't clawing at my throat.
With that, I'd like to jump into, though briefly, some of the bigger and very impactful adventures I've been lucky enough to go on...