December 13, 2018: Launch of Our Second Annual Event Tickets & Birthday Thoughts
I had planned to write this a few night ago, having it all ready to for the next day, with the satisfaction of knowing I had gotten it done, but then the day went dark, my eyes heavy, and that motivation to do so, no longer there. It was, in fact, the eve of my birthday, and with my expectations quick on my heals, I had anticipated feeling that rush of sadness that I always do as the day approaches.
But for whatever reason, and maybe it was because we were headed north to surprise my dad for his 60th, that feeling wasn’t there. Just a heavy tiredness and want to step away, even if for a moment.
Now, as I crawled back into bed, coffee in hand, blanket around my shoulder, and computer on my lap, I settle into this idea that it’s ok. It’s ok to be tired. It’s ok to get back into bed. It’s ok to not have figured out your to do’s for the day. It’s ok walk more slowly (apparently my entire family is known for quick steps, and that includes inside the house). As I write this to you, I’ve got a puppy snoring next to me and pipping hot coffee precariously placed on a notebook just beside my computer, inside a mug that my grandma (though we never call her that) gifted me for my birthday.
*In my opinion, can never have too many mugs. Though this could be a selfish statement as I plan on continuing to grow my collection, without limitations.
Anyways, back to the whole expectations thing, which I’m certain I talk about quite a bit, but it can’t be helped! And it’s certainly not something I can sort out in one go, it take plenty of repetition, check in’s with myself, habit changes, reflection, and actionable steps that bring me closer to whom I hope to be. And it’s not as if I am displeased with the person I am now, I’m just quite aware of those changes I’dl like to make. Those subtle shifts that are going to keep me exploring places I’ve never been, opening my eyes to new things, starting conversations I otherwise wouldn’t, and staying curious and heartfelt, no matter the situation.
A lot of that doesn’t come naturally to me. A lot of that feels just out of reach, as my judgments and expectations surrounding self circle in and suffocate, grabbing hold of whatever self-worth was there, and twisting it into a projected idea of “should’s” and “you must be’s.” With that in mind, let’s take a moment to celebrate where we’ve been, where we are, and where we’re going!
I’m 21, feeling trapped and small while in a relationship that makes me wildly unhappy (and very much unlike myself), beneath city lights and an unfamiliar world bustling outside. Longing. I’m longing for more. I’m longing for me.
I’m 22, ready to make changes but entirely unsure of how to take that first step, terrified of what that means and where it will take me. Is this all a big mistake? Is this was giving up looks like? Or is this me doing what’s best for me?
I’m 23, in a new place that smells of sagebrush and desert sun. I’m getting up at sunrise, writing (a little), exploring a place with someone so wonderful I thought it impossible they could exist, and ideas. Ideas whirling around in my head: I have the power to make a life for myself. A new & fulfilling life.
I’m 24, making changes I never thought possibly, while still uncovering parts of myself that aren’t able to let go. That hold on too tightly. That grip the side of depression and fear as if their life depended on it.
I’m 25, challenging myself to step outside of routine. To take chances. To start those conversations that I only ever dreamed of starting—it’s all happening now and there’s no way I’m going to miss it.
I’m 26, without a voice, on the brink of a loss so big I am still having trouble believing it’s real, and writing, daily, so that I can begin to make sense of the world that for the first time, I’m allowing myself to experience, fully and without guilt.
I’m 27, entirely unsure, terrified, and a tad skeptical that any of this will work out, but somehow, more determined than ever to be here. To be part of things in this “bigger than me” kind of way.
Well, there you have it. The reflections of another year gone by, and before I start diving into another aspect of self that surely could use some attention, let’s step back and take a look at what’s new & exciting, shall we?