August 2nd, 2018: An Itty Bitty Letter
There was definite hesitation when deciding whether or not to show up here today.
I'm not exactly sure why, though it probably has something to with my inability to separate emotions from work, and though I don't technically think of this as work, it's still something I like to make happen and be part of. You know, an important little in-between moment that adds to the wholeness of things.
Or something like that, anyways.
I've been thinking a lot about feeling small and misunderstood. You know, those moments where, at some point during the conversation, you just know that you're not going to be able to explain yourself, annoyed that you even feel the need to do so, while shrinking (metaphorically) by the minute, unable to stand your ground without flailing about in either a word-less frenzy or never ending explosion of nonsensical emotion?
I express myself best through writing, though I don't think of it as set in stone, and I do, in fact, like to allow room enough for it to be tested and challenged, always looking for an opportunity when I can prove my habitual-self wrong. However, it's quite clear when the rebellious side of myself has fallen short when the want for a pen and paper overrides everything else.
There, in half-cursive and half 17th century manuscript-looking writing, am I able to stand my ground, instead of feeling like a speck of dust, way up high in a closet no one dares to enter.
The worst part, though it's all very relative isn't it, is that I can't seem to let it go. I can't seem to be ok with the linear way of looking at it, which would be, "you know where you stand and that's all that matters." Instead, I feel an overwhelming need and want to make sense of. It's all a bit silly and rather exhausting, taking up prime real-estate in the creative parts of my mind.
Aside from that lengthy-looping scenario, and most likely a few others, it's cooler today, I have plans to make a delightfully refreshing salad for lunch, and take Kona (our pup) out to the desert to romp around.
One of the few places where these all-consuming and ever-looping thoughts aren't invited to go. It's quite important to have those places, don't you think?