September 13th, 2018: A Letter to Your Wild Self & What to Do When Resistance Is Met
Nestled into a corner table at the rental home we’re staying at in Ventura, California, today feels just a little bit lighter than it did yesterday.
Often, I can find a direct correlation as to why this is. You know, the sudden change of heart. Shift in perspective. A moment that re-directed the course of the day.
Other times I can't, which makes me think that though it’s good to be acutely aware of how you’re feeling and where you’re body is at, both mentally and physically, often times the resistance to feel frustration, anger, and dare I say, fear, is so strong that we turn ourselves upside in order to compensate for it or try to be rid of it.
Yesterday, I did that. Or rather, I found myself at the tipping point and I turned back. I did my best to rid myself of the guilt that comes from not meeting an expectation. Of not completing your to do’s. Of being or feeling anything other than how you imagined the day (week, month, etc.) to go.
Though now that I’m thinking about it, I’m not entirely sure.
You see, change is well underway, and now that I’m here, now that I’ve dedicated myself to these changes, I’ve reached panic mode. As if I’ve trained tirelessly to swim across the ocean, and now that I’m a few weeks in, I’m beginning to question everything. To no longer see the capable me, but rather, the terrified, under-qualified, and exhausted me.
Regardless of where this feeling comes from, the cheesy metaphor that’s used to try and make sense of it, or the way in which it will be “dealt” with, I can be certain of this:
It’s only normal to feel this way. To acknowledge these things about yourself that aren’t easy to face or deal with, and to sense a resistance to the change that you’re wanting to make because of________. Change that will allow for you to be all that you want to be and do all that you want to do.
No, not all at once, but certainly in time. In time and through these moments where you’re “just not sure.” Because…capable you are (it somehow sounds wiser than simply saying, “you are capable”). And yes, that was a Star Wars reference, and there will most likely be more.
Taking a quick look at this past week: I climbed to the top of a mountain (almost) with some of the most incredible people & we headed south, under the hazy skies, and with plenty of snacks, to a town that was home to my great grandmother.
In time, these moments will be shared in full and in their own way. Just not quite yet as I’m off to refill this coffee of mine.
Talk soon & love to you always,