Why hello wonderful humans,
I just spent about an hour on the front porch with my journals and without my devices. It’s crazy how instinctually I bring them everywhere, but in this moment, and with both my computer and phone running on low battery, I decided that the planning and reflecting that I wanted to do could be done without. I also find that before coming on here and writing something to all of you, removing myself from the busy bustle of the world around brings the most centered thoughts.
At least thoughts that don’t feel as overwhelming as they did the moment before.
There have been some rather big changes happening recently. Changes that have been bubbling up for awhile but haven’t ever quite made it to the surface, that is until I made room for them to make themselves comfortable. Last year I quit my part time job. A job that I had for nearly two years. There were many aspect of it that fit into my world quite perfectly, but there were also things that weighed heavy. That wore me down to the point of wanting to see what it would be like to try something different.
In walks More Than Lyme, not for the first time (obviously), but as my full-time-gig. Or those were my plans anyway.
It’s funny how uncomfortable it can be to talk about something when it didn’t go the way you had planned.
When everything you said you would do and said you would accomplish, were either left behind or rearranged to the point of being unrecognizable.
It’s funny how uncomfortable it can be to talk about work, money, and very general day-to-day things. The question, “what do you do?” hanging on every thought, word, and expectation you put around yourself. And it makes sense why it is uncomfortable, as many of us aren’t able to work right now, and if we do, it might be something that we don’t want to do forever. It might be an in between. Or maybe we’re going back to school after taking a five year break. Or maybe we’re on medical leave. Or maybe we’re starting up a new business and everything is terrifying and unknown.
And maybe the reason why I feel so uncomfortable talking about this. Talking about how I wasn’t able to “make it work” full time with More Than Lyme, is because in saying it, it makes it real. And in saying it, I feel as if I’m letting myself and all of you down. There’s this pressure (put on by myself) to explain. To tell you all the ways in which it didn’t work, because we can have ideas and stories of how people’s lives are, but we don’t really know until we’ve either become close with that person, or we’ve asked (in a timely and appropriate way). All in all, it can be a very sensitive topic, and for many reasons, a topic that I have tried to steer clear of.
But in this moment and for the “why” behind this here update, I wanted to bring it up. I wanted to bring it up because no matter where we’re coming from and no matter what we’re facing, and regardless of our livelihood or how we “make it work,” the question, “what do you do?” can mean whatever you want it to mean.
And for some reason I thought that in order to say that More Than Lyme is a huge part of what I do, I had to be making significant money from it. That there was something to prove. That there were guidelines that I needed to meet. But the truth is, I believe that I needed to go through all of this. I needed to try. I needed to apply myself fully to the task at hand to realize that it just isn’t for me.
To realize that I can do a million and one different things and no one thing has to define me, just as I don’t have to let an illness or other health-related aspects of myself define me. No one else is allowed to have a say in what you do and how you do it. That is entirely up to you no matter what you’re facing or where you’re at in the process of things. And it’s certainly not as simple as just deciding that you’re no longer going to put those expectations on yourself, but acknowledging and calling out those parts of you that tell you you aren’t enough, is worthy of celebration.
And there we have it, the focus of the month: Celebration!
Celebration of all things, no matter the size and no matter the role that it plays in your life.
Today I’m celebrating the way I’ve talked to myself today.
It should be noted at this point that no moment or feeling is too small to celebrate.
Giving ourselves permission to be proud of where we’re at and what we’ve already done is HUGE and wildly overlooked. The more we can focus on that, the more possible things will seem (because anything is possible, it just gets all covered up by what we think we need to be instead of what we want to be).
Instead of what we already are.
Head over to our Facebook group & let me know what little victories you’ve been celebrating! I’d love nothing more than to hear from you.
Talk soon & all my love,