When Things Don’t Go As Planned: And Just Like That, We’re Pushing Back the Date of Our Second More Than Lyme Adventure
This was not a post I had planned on writing, and even as I type out these very fragile words (though really, what words aren't fragile?), I toy with the idea of backing out. Of retracing my steps to last night, before the meltdown and before my conversation with my mom and Adam.
But instead, I sit; legs crossed as a heated summer breeze reminds me to breathe slowly--move slowly. To stop filling a beautifully empty space of possibility with more deadlines and to do's.
I didn't see this coming, in fact, the phrase, "what if I pushed back the date," kind of exploded out of me after a series of paces from one end of the house to the other; these kinds of decisions are not stumbled upon lightly, but rather, like an all too dramatic toe stub and overreaction to how you've reacted, "oh my gosh, why does it hurt so much, it's only a stubbed toe!" It happened, I felt it, the relief of feeling it, and the sting of realizing that the conclusion I had come to would take an extremely un-Chloe-like act of rebellion.
This is good for me, I tell myself. This is good for me, and that should, in theory, be felt by those around me, and my gosh, am I tired of saying, "I'll do that once I've done this and this once I've done that--and oh I have to be feeling better to take on the other thing. So I'll just continue to do what I told myself I'd do, even if it negatively impacts myself as well as those around me."
Something needs to change.
Let's take a closer look.
The reasons for not pushing the date back would be purely out of fear. Fear of letting you all down. Fear of losing momentum, connection, and inspiration. Fear of not holding myself accountable. Fear of--fear of--fear of...
So why. Why and how did this realization hit so suddenly?
I don't know. Resistance certainly has a lot to do with it. As well as a general acknowledgment; it's ok to give yourself more time, especially in an instance like this and surrounded by people like you.
Because this isn't about me, and to put it together, certainly takes a team--a family.
As the sweat dries and sun settles behind the trees, all heavy and happy with fruit, I am reminded of the post that I wrote last night, and how maybe, just maybe, part of the weight I felt then, was in preparation for the explosion of emotions that took place a few short hours later. And now, as the need to explain everything sits at the very front of these thoughts, I am going to wrap it up.
And not with an apology (though I am quite tempted).
Or list of why's, who's, when's, and details that are still being figured out.
But with a few certainties that like to allow themselves some wiggle room:
First, there is still a More Than Lyme Adventure taking place, just in early Spring 2019, not Fall 2018. So around a year after our first one, all tidy-like.
Second, I will still be making my way to Denver this Fall, but instead of hosting the Adventure, I will be viewing possible venues, chatting it up with those of you who are lucky to call Colorado home, and focusing on some details that would have otherwise been lost in the anxiousness of things.
Third, there will be a focus on smaller gatherings--a way to build community and connect in between the bigger events. All of which will be announced as they come up.
And Lastly, creating space for other really exciting projects and endeavors to take place. Some of which I'm aware of, but most of which I'm not.
Anyways, I do hope this all makes some sense, and if not, do feel free to reach out. Always happy to chat.
Love to you all,