An Unexpected Spring Adventure
It's all about celebrating the little victories.
With snacks packed, water bottles filled, and baby on board, we piled into the car and made our way out to Smith Rock, one of the most popular climbing destinations in Oregon.
The week prior to this glorious adventure day, had been somewhat of a whirlwind. I went from feeling confident in my strength and abilities, to feeling incapable and overly emotional. All in all, I was confused and a little lost.
You know those moments when you have a million and one thoughts, feelings, and emotions that you want to express, but when you go to speak, nothing but a wavering voice and jumbled words comes out? It's aggravating, and more often than not, you leave that moment feeling defeated underneath the weight of your loss of words. Your lack of confidence. Your foggy mind.
I found myself curled up in a mass of blankets at 2 a.m., uncomfortable with the idea that maybe, just maybe, it was time for my life to take a different direction. After all, I had been running away from the very part of that makes all of this possible, while chasing a life that outside of my own. Chasing a life that would ultimately, not bring me the kind of joy and happiness that I need to move forward.
I have everything I already need, and then some...
Isn't it incredible how much joy can come from the simplest of things? My moments of clarity, feelings of accomplishment, and understanding of beauty, have always come from being understood without having to say a single word to those around me. Without having to explain my actions or ideas.
Everything just makes sense.
Yes, this past week has certainly been challenging, but more than that, it has given me every reason to feel as if this is where I truly belong. As if the home, success, health, and happiness I am looking for are already here. After all, these people (you all included), are what help to bring me back to the core of each smile, delicious meal shared, dream achieved, adventure taken, and difficult moment overcome.
This is, right here, this is where I belong.
You decide what moments are worth celebrating
After navigating the crowds, scanning the rock, and deciding on a climbing destination, we found ourselves nestled between a rushing river, warmed walls, and bluebird skies.
My head felt heavy, but my heart full. I climbed no more than five feet off the ground, but it's five feet more than I had done before. It's five feet past my doubt, fears, and illness that hides beneath my skin.
I had reclaimed my adventurous spirit, while believing that I was, and am, good enough to one day achieve everything I wish to achieve. Your self-worth should never be measured by the things that you wished you had done, or simply can't do, but rather by the effort that you made, and satisfaction that you felt.
It's yours to decide. Believe you can do it, and one day you will.
I can feel a throbbing in my head, shaking in my hands, and see spots in my vision. I can feel it all, yet I can't help but smile.
I think about this past year. All the work I've done, people I've met, and pain I've felt, and how they're are all part of what make my life so rich. Though Lyme has taken up much of my life, it has also given me a sense for what matters, a feel for what is important, and an understanding of what I should be okay with letting go.
Just like me, the people I surround myself with have scars that others cannot see. They have moments of pain, hardship, and loss that I may not ever feel or be able to understand. But isn't that what makes us beautiful? Isn't that what makes us family? We do not need to measure or judge each others experiences. We do not need to decide which was, is, or is going to be harder.
We will always have to push through unpleasant moments. Moments that we'd rather ignore. So, why not push through them together? Why not be each others hope, shoulder, and steady rock to lean on? Why not embrace the differences in each and every one of us.
I am exactly where I need to be
It's time to see the world I live in through the eyes of someone who is filled with gratitude for what they already have, not fear for what they don't, and regret for what they have lost.
I may not have the strength in my arms and legs that I used too, but I certainly have enough strength in my heart and my mind, carried through to the words that I speak and actions that I take.
You are worth it, so don't you dare give up
There will be times that your strength may be hard to see, but I promise you that it's there. I promise you that you are capable of a whole lot more than you give yourself credit for.
I am walking away from this week with a new found excitement for all that I already have. Never before have I felt so sure that the direction that I am choosing to take is for me, and me alone. Of course, there will always be things we must take into consideration when choosing these paths, but that doesn't mean that we should set aside our happiness in order to find them.
And you know what? You can switch things up at any point. You can slow things down. You can choose to take a different path again and again, just as long as you trust and find joy in the process.